Before I even start this blog, I am going to apologize for “barfing” on you. That is my term for “spilling my guts.” I have talked in a few past blogs about being real. Well here it is…
Little Man woke up from his nap on Friday and has been a terror since. Understand that he is always a terror but he has ramped it up five fold. It started with him having two accidents and has gone down hill since. Everything that he knows is a “no” has become a “yes” in his world. Suddenly my computer mouse is part of his hand. The piano has become a toddler toy and his body is an easel for his drawings (still puzzled over where he got the marker). Like I said, these are all thoughts in his world. All of these things are still wrong and discipline has followed. He is keeping his little timeout chair warm! But, staying consistent is rough right now. I just wonder at what point will he decide that the consequences aren’t worth the five seconds of “pleasure.” If you have a spirited little one you can totally relate.
Emotionally, I am really struggling. Almost 11 years after my sister’s death and I feel like it was a month ago. I am facing fear and grief in ways that I haven’t done for two and a half years when I co-lead a grief group. Within this, I am struggling to figure out why, what God is trying to teach me, or what God is trying to prepare me for. I am dealing with fears of forgetting those memories. The legacy. I praise God that my husband is holding me up through this. When my sister died, we had been married less than two years. It was a struggle because he didn’t get it. But as we have grown together in my grief process, he has learned to pick me back up and take the next step when I feel too empty and weak to move.
Spiritually, I am being hit. As I am working through Beth Moore’s Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruit Of The Spirit, God is teaching me so much about Himself, His Son, and the Holy Spirit. I truly was clueless about the roll that the Holy Spirit wants to play in my life. How active and a part of my daily in’s and out’s that He wants to be and can be. The Holy Spirit is really laying some things heavy on my heart. I will be blogging more about this as I continue this journey.
I don’t know what has brought about all of this. Why now is Little Man testing the waters so strongly…again. Why now does it hurt to breath? Maybe God needs me at a tender place to teach me about His love and grace? I’m not sure. Whatever it is, I ask God to use my story, my pain, my hurt to bless you. Encourage you. He’s not finished with me yet. Nor you either.